[x]

Does that make me Different?I wear make up. Does that make me fake?
I cry. Does that make me emo?
I have male friends. Does that make me slutty?
I smile a lot. Does that make me weird?
I laugh loud. Does that make me preppy?
I have anxiety. Does that make me a freak?
I have Bipolar Disorder. Does that make me abnormal?
I respect people. I change for me, and only me. I have a past, but I know I have a future.
Does that make me different?
Maybe.
But at least it makes me
Me.

RelapseIt’s like counting
Saturn’s rings,
hash marks
along your limbs -
remembering a time
when

‘just one more’

made you feel better.

- & you’re sitting there
wondering why
Draco, stuck in limbo
always looks like he’s

falling.

FrostbiteNumbness
I can’t feel my toes and at first I think
It’s just my toes.
I can cover them up.
I can warm them.

It spreads, like fire,
Like ice.
I glance away for a second, it seems, and my feet are cold
Pat –pat
That’s funny, I didn’t feel that
Maybe I’ll cover them up too
I’ll warm them up.

I’ll take a nap
Maybe a short rest will make it all better, warm them
Up…
What’s that? How long has it been?
My legs… are you still mine..
Why has my breath left me, short?
Has everything but deserted me?

What about you, are you still here?
Are you still with me?
Hello?
And before I can say goodbye, I think my thoughts are leaving me too –

Sleeping Beautyshe’s in love with a character who
never existed but in the labyrinth of her head:
a patchwork composition of beautiful, lengthy words
she’d heard in her catatonic state; coma living
day in and day out, reliant on the salvation
of a man made of foreign wishing
and imperfection and necessity – an ignorance
of the less than ideal perception of self she’d
come to fear, absention stained romantic to the point
where daydreams were a standard for survival

(real living is for the purposeful of heart,
he loves her in her sleep)

UneditedWe cry.
We scream.
We fight for our dream.

We scream.
We cry.
We're just waiting to die.

The same emotions
with a different drive.
Sometimes dead, sometimes alive.

The same in one way,
different in another
brother and sister, sister and brother.

So close in feeling,
so different in the end.
Falling apart, or finally on the mend?

Which am I?
Will I ever know?
Fighting to stay or ready to go?

Maybe I'm both,
in some impossible way.
Emotions oddly mixed everyday.

Wouldn't surprise.
I'm such a freak.
Excuse me, I laugh, I should call it "unique"

WorthlessWorthless,
the name that cuts like a knife,
Me,
it's all that you see inside,
My heart,
is breaking with every breath I take
The lies,
the only thing I can't seem to face.

Battle in my MindEat.
Don't eat.
Take it easy.
Work out until you pass out.
Get help.Tell someone.
Keep it a secret. It's only for you and me.
You're perfect.
You're worthless.
You're beautiful.
You're disgusting.
Why won't you listen?
They don't understand.
Let me help you.
You don't understand.
Show me.
No!
I love you..

In The Daylight

In The Daylight

A false downfall
An unexpected revival

Sunset to moonset
Shining through darkness

Life...redefined
Death...redesigned

In the valley of promises- I will fear no end
On the brink of weakness- I will ascend
-
Roads of the toughest
Paths of the darkest

I conditioned my flawed limits
So fearful memories won't be paralytic

I had to raise my own spirit
Strength and endurance become so vivid

A chance for change / A moment of fate
A time to make peace / A brief feeling of creed
A sealing of my slate / A silencing of my mistakes
A secret ready to be freed / A chain soon-to-be incomplete

Pain and peace are infinite
Judge the wrat

wallflower clippingsthere's scar tissue in her throat,
swollen around the words she never said;
dark rings around her eyes
like planets unremembered, and
a staleness to her touch,
the crystalline Dead Sea.

she's living like a story
that's already been told
"if no one loved you
would you mean anything at all?"

in that moment,
we forget to exist.

Happily AloneHonesty,
She does not have,
Personalities,
She has many of them.

A million shields,
a million personalities,
She's always changing,
to fit every person around her.

If one were to ask why,
she would answer with,
I will never reveal my weaknesses,
because she's evil.

She hates everyone,
stupider than her is barely tolerable,
smarter than her is too scary,
She hates it all.

She leaves the world behind,
To one she has dreamt of,
No color,
nobody else.

Then,
she will smile,
why,
because she is truly happy alone.

She is not evil,
She does not hate you,
She is not dishonest,
She simply wants to be alone.

We are the King and Queen of Broken DreamsStanding still in a mine field, staring at all we have left.
We were so young, we didn’t stop to think.
Now we’re in a car crash, teetering on the brink.
If you were to leave me now, I don’t know what I’d do.

It was a whirl wind romance,
A light when all was black, a spark of something when all was bleak.
You swept me off my feet and made me feel brand new.
I thought we could live forever and I’m certain you did to.

We built a house without foundations
And now we’re falling down,
Everything’s crumbling around us, time slipping through out fingertips.
People used to walk past us but they were to drunk to see,
That our lives are coming apart around us, there is no light as far as we can see.

There was no fire to start with,
Just two broken things, the world had left behind.
The casualties of other people’s dreams of power, money and control,
Spat out onto the curb to rot away and die.
We never stood a chance or so

Falling off the EdgeDo you know what it feels like?
To nearly fall off the edge,
but not quite...
just so that you're dangling;
clinging for your worthless life
lest it fall into the sea of loneliness.
Your callused, pink fingers turning
to a shade of purplish-red of pain
as it does it best to hold on.

Splash.

In the sea of loneliness,
everything is crisp, translucent.
There is nothing around you,
you are alone...
unlike other people,
you have no one
clamouring to save you;
you have no one
diving in to get you out.

There is no point
screaming for help,
you will only waste
the little time and air you have left.
You only have the darkness
of the sea envelop

Honesty Written

from the

heart.

No eraser.

Her SideTomorrow she'll be gone,
but what can you say?
Nothing can help her.
The pain won't go away.

But she would've stopped,
you could've said no.
That's what she wanted,
someone to say don't go.

That someone wanted her,
or at least would try.
That someone would grieve
if she were to die.

But you just stared,
nodding your head,
and she realized the truth
with a feeling of dread.

No one wanted her.
No one cared.
Not even you,
with the the love you shared.

So she said good-bye,
and you watched her leave.
She may have had the rope,
but now you can't breathe.

PerfectEver had the feeling where you can't stop looking at a picture?
Your gorgeous face makes me smile
Go weak at the knees
Makes me giggle like a little girl

Those morning texts
All day conversations
Random silly things like that
Make me smile

I see the led light flash the colours I've set for when I get a message from you
My heart flutters
My cheeks flush
I go deaf to the world when I'm reading a message from you

If your down
I'm always there for you
I know you don't want to worry me
I know you want me to smile
But I'm always here for you
No matter how you feel
I'd prefer to help
Than for you to be down

Your gorgeous eyes
Are mesmerising
You

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More from ~Ztransman

day 11: dysphoria11) How do you manage dysphoria?

you don't manage dysphoria
it manages you
-.-

hills and stemsthey say a man is a mountain
but those mountains
with hills
aren't men

they say a woman is a flower
but those flowers
with stems
aren't woman

day 10: trans* fears10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

there is a lot i could list for this
but i really don't feel like going through everything
I'm only going to touch on the bigger ones

4; getting/keeping a job- were i live, it is legal to fire someone because of sexuality and gender identity. i don't want to get a job as ----. i want a job as me, and to be able to keep it as me. but I'm afraid it will never happen and I'll be forced to settle for a job as ---- D:

3; how people will react- i may be out, but not to everyone, and i really want to be. but I'm terrified of what will happen when i tell them. and the time is possibly ap

day 9: positives?9) What is something positive about being trans?

is that a joke?
i don't really find anything positive about it -.-
it makes people hate you, treat you like crap
makes you hate yourself
never able to relax
never able to focus
too worried about if you will pass or not

....

sorry > <
not having a good day
stupid dysphoria makes everything worse

....

i guess the one upside that i can see is the people i would never have otherwise met
actually being able to allow myself to get close to some people because i know they respect me and love me for who i am

day 8: mis-genderisation8) How do you deal with being read mis-genderd in the beginning of transitioning by people?

that depends on a few things
if I'm with Parker, i don't have to worry about it too much cause he corrects them (and i correct people for him)
sometimes i just get upset/start to panic
other times i will look at them with this half dead half "completely pissed off" face and correct them, or i will just stair at them until they realize their mistake (this one depends on who it is really :/ )
other times i will hold everything in and go with it (i.e. family -.-)

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[x]

is it really a surprise

by ~Ztransman, Jan 3, 2013, 1:59:51 AM
Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

it always seem that...

the people i would never in a million year consider hurting in any way
are the ones that hurt me the most

the people i am always thinking about, always wondering if they're okay
never think about me

the ones i would drop anything for at anytime
are the ones who drop me for no reason

the ones i constantly sacrifice for
always ask why i never do anything for them

the ones i trust the most
are always the ones to stab me in the back

the people i would do anything for
are never there for me

is it really that surprising
that after all this
i learn to grow numb to people?

is it any wonder
that after everything that's happened
i don't have trust?

please explain to me
because i'm not grasping this concept
please explain
why i deserve to be yelled at
put down
spit upon
because i have been forced to shut down

will someone please explain
how this is my fault

is it really a surpriseby ~Ztransman

Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

and then people wonder why i have trust issues
why i'm so socially awkward
why i say i hate people
why i choose to sit by myself all the time

is it really that surprising?
really?

~~love 0 0~~

~~joy 0 0~~

~~wow 0 0~~

~~mad 0 0~~

sad 2 2

~~fear 0 0~~

~~neutral 0 0~~

*akibara13 Jan 14, 2013

Not surprising at all.

~lunavamp222 Jan 13, 2013 Hobbyist General Artist

I feel for you man. I completely relate with this.

I'm afraid I can't think of any advice to give that would be of any help. I think its perfectly okay to just shut down and distance yourself from humanity.

I can at least forgive animals when they act like beasts.

~Ztransman Jan 15, 2013 Hobbyist General Artist

i love animals
don't really care for people

with some ecceptions to both obviously
but as a general rule they're correct

~MNamelessSouL Jan 4, 2013 Hobbyist General Artist

i relate to this a lot

human behavior tends to be out of proportion as they're usually on the cynical side, which is why many people lose their simplicity and their simple happiness because of the people around them

don't ever lose yours, don't make them take that simplicity away from you

you'll find someone that'll appreciate you properly one day